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Marriage and the Special Needs Child

By Jamie Patrick
Louisville, KY

PRIOR TO THE SUMMER OF 2007, my husband and I possessed what many would coin a blissful marriage marked by a strong commitment to God and each other and two beautiful children—a boy and a girlJonathan, our third child, was born in July of that yearHe has Down syndrome and was born with some major health issuesThankfully, six years and a fourth child later, our marriage is even sweeter, though not without the marks of the added stress that parenting a child with special needs often demands.

I have yet to hear a believing mom or dad of a child with handicaps say that he or she regretted the rigorous journey this type of parenting requires; however, each of them has spoken with great passion regarding the added pressure this places on their marital relationshipI want to offer a few reasons marriages— whether or not marked by the Gospel—often struggle under the load of special parenting.

1. FATIGUE

Sleep deprivation can make monsters out of the most peaceful among us, leaving us wondering what happened to our kind disposition and speech filterThe first few years of Jonathan’s life, we spent many sleepless nights at his bedside or in the hospitalIn addition, he required and still has numerous doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions. Organizing our lives around this “new normal” proved incredibly tiresome. Fortunately, Jonathan now sleeps well at night; but many children need seemingly constant care, like the son of my friend JannaHer son has Angelman’s syndrome, requiring around-the-clock supervision.

2. Grief

Men and women are different, and the grieving process is no exceptionThe initial shock of the “news” regarding your child’s diagnosis is only the first of many stages of grief throughout lifeMy grief was quite selfish at firstI had to get beyond my own dreams and expectations for Jonathan and truly recognize that God’s plan was obviously quite different than mineMany prayed specifically for us and for Jonathan those first few months of his life, which I believed sustained usMost people have no idea, though, that there are other sad days in our home—and in the homes of all families with special kids.

Watching our Jaclyn, who is a little less than two years younger than Jonathan, learn to go potty while Jonathan still struggled was quite difficult for this mommyI have listened to other moms speak of the horror of standing in a courtroom when their child turned 18 and telling a judge and jury—in front of their child—why the

child’s rights as a citizen should be terminated as the child would never be able to function independently. Women feel things deeply because we are emotional beingsMen tend to think more with their heads than their hearts.

These differences are magnified immensely when applied to situations such as theseIn addition, my husband is an eternal optimist— which happens to be an attribute I admireIt is quite unnerving, though, when I want to wallow in my sadness over something Jonathan isn’t doing and Lange is pointing out the many things Jonathan CAN do wellThus, a type of “friction” can occur.

Scripture speaks clearly of the priority matrimony must take over all other earthly relationships. Not only is it difficult to find time alone with the Lord when dealing with the demands I’ve already addressed, but one-on-one time with your spouse is almost impossible to come byI remember well when we finally felt like Jonathan’s health was stable enough for us to go out on a dateWe asked a sweet girl in our neighborhood to come over and help out—as our older two children would also be there if any needs arose.

Jonathan began to cry not long after we drove away, and the sitter got so upset that she left before I was able to turn around and get back homeOn another occasion recently, we decided to leave a bit later in the evening, after putting Jonathan and Jaclyn to bedWe got to the restaurant and were both so tired that we decided to eat quickly and go home and go to sleep (see #1).

In a culture where the divorce rate for homes with healthy children is at an all-time high, adding the stress of a child with special needs only increases the potential for disasterIt is imperative that couples facing this uncharted territory commit to honor their covenant with God and each other, refusing to allow their situation to drive a wedge between themDriving a wedge between a husband and a wife is a tactic of the EnemyFor those of you who have healthy children, I would ask you to seek out a family in your church or community who is on a journey like ours and extend as much grace, love, and encouragement as possible.

Photo by Drew Hays on Unsplash

By | 2018-06-11T13:18:18+00:00 June 11th, 2018|Marriage, Motherhood|1 Comment

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  1. Noel King June 12, 2018 at 3:01 pm - Reply

    This is wonderful! One other added stress I would include is financial. Caring for someone with special needs often drains the wallet because of medications, doctor’s visits, therapy sessions, diapers and/or bed pads, etc. Since money is one of the leading causes of divorce in a ‘normal’ marriage, imagine the added stress money issues can add to a marriage dealing with someone with a disability.

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