by Barbara Walker
THE TERRIBLE TWOS—fact or fiction? Actually, I think this is totally up to you, Mom! But in today’s society, parents are fed the lie that toddlers have to throw things at the dinner table, and when you call them, they are supposed to laugh at you and run in the opposite direction. We think it’s completely normal for them to let out blood-curdling screams when we tell them they cannot have something they want. Or maybe they are simply tired, so that makes it okay. (Can you tell that I am speaking from personal experience? Yes, my son has done all of the above and more.)
Before I continue, I would like to say that I have only one child who is a toddler. I am in no way an expert in the area of discipline, but I am extremely thankful to have constant access and advice from two people whom I would consider experts in this area—my in-laws, Kevin and Loretta Walker. If you know their children (especially if you knew them as children also), you too can attest that they were well-trained by their parents. I am also thankful for good books with Biblical principles on parenting. The two that have influenced me most are The New Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson and Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. The scenarios I previously mentioned are normal, but they do not have to be acceptable.
Before I had little Kevin, I thought, “Discipline will be fairly easy for me. After all, I find bratty behavior quite detestable.” With this mindset, of course, I wouldn’t put up with it from my own son, right? Wrong! It was much more difficult for me to discipline Kevin consistently and effectively than I thought it would be.
Perhaps part of the reason why I struggled might be partly because I did not grow up with much discipline, or maybe it’s just that way for everyone. Either way, I am constantly working on and correcting myself in this area. Hopefully, by sharing some of the issues I am working on, I can help some fellow mothers of Satan’s minions—er, I mean, toddlers. (I am being facetious, of course. My son truly brings so much joy to me.)
CONSISTENTLY DISCIPLINE
Here are some thoughts that motivate me to be consistent in my discipline of my son.
1 If you are consistent with spanking your child for disobedience now, by age five he will have learned to obey. Mrs. John R.Rice, who believed that the first five years of a child’s life are the “five golden years to develop a child’s character,” taught my mother-in-law this principle. Tedd Tripp writes about the infancy to childhood stage as follows: “The most important lesson for the child to learn in this period is that HE IS AN INDIVIDUAL UNDER AUTHORITY.”
At this stage in his life, I only spank Kevin for disobedience. Having this guideline really simplifies things for me because I tend to question my judgment. He may pick a battle with me over something as trivial as throwing his sippy cup on the floor at meals. It may be that he is refusing to eat because he doesn’t like the type of food. Or it may be that when I tell him “Come here,” he pretends to ignore me. Sometimes these battles are only won after repeated, consistent discipline!
2 Expect results! When you start to see the fruit of your labor, you too will become a believer! I believe that many parents simply do not think that toddlers are capable of obedience. They are underestimating them! At 18 months, Kevin now comes when his father or I say, “Come here.” He eats meals without putting up a big fight! (He still makes it known with little sighs and pooched lips when he does not like something, but he quickly opens his mouth anyway.) When I tell him not to touch something, he does not touch it for the most part.
Is this reaction because he is naturally good, calm, and obedient? No! I can promise you that it is because his father and I consistently disciplined him for disobedience! He occasionally will still test us in these areas, but we try not to let him get away with it.
3 The longer and more often you let your child slide with something he is not supposed to do, the harder it will be to break him of his behavior. Another key statement my mother-in-law has made to me is “If you don’t want him to do something when he is older, don’t let him do it now.” I am certain that if I wait until he is older to expect obedience from Kevin, it will be much harder to rein in his strong will. I’d rather pay the price now—although often very inconvenient—than pay later with interest. There have been times when Kevin has disobeyed me, and for one reason or another, I questioned whether I should spank him. The next thing I knew, I had talked myself out of it, the moment passed, and it was too late to do anything about it. Whenever I have failed to follow through, I have noticed that Kevin will test me more often because of my inconsistency. Tedd Tripp says the following about consistency:
You must train your children to obey through careful discipline and precise instruction. The rules have to be the same each day. If they must obey, you must challenge disobedience and persevere until the lessons of submission are learned. Victory does not come to the faint of heart. You will rarely witness resolute will power such as you find in a toddler who has determined not to obey.
4 Our God-given duty as parents is to be in charge of our children. This powerful quote is also from Shepherding a Child’s Heart: “Our culture has reduced parenting to providing care…The child must have food, clothes, a bed, and some quality time. In sharp contrast to such a weak view, God has called you to a more profound task…You shepherd your child in God’s behalf.”
Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
5 Allowing your child to be disobedient will be harmful to your relationship. Have you ever seen a mother dealing with an unruly child? Most likely she is not enjoying her time with the child. Sadly, the child is also very miserable. There is no happiness for either party when a child is allowed to act in a rebellious way. James Dobson writes,
When a parent refuses to accept his child’s defiant challenge, something changes in their relationship. The youngster begins to look at his mother and father with disrespect; they are unworthy of her allegiance. More important, she wonders why they would let her do such harmful things if they really loved her.
6 Don’t set your child up for failure. I am not suggesting that if he disobeys because he is tired that you overlook his disobedience.But I do wonder, are you protecting his schedule? When he is throwing food at the restaurant, did you bring any toys for him to play with? Do you have snacks and a drink with you as you go to stores or take him on car rides?
I hope you have been challenged like I have been by these thoughts from my in-laws and these books about discipline. Being a parent is no easy task, but may I encourage you not to give in to personal doubts? Don’t give in to that adorable grin as he deliberately defies you. And definitely don’t give in to his strong will.
This article is from the July 2014 Issue of the Christian Womanhood magazine.
